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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I’m starving. I wander over to the Quay. The fish and chips there are legendary. I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I see this old man feeding the seagulls. I swear, those birds are like little flying rats. They swoop in, and I’m half-expecting one to steal my food. But the old dude just laughs. “They’re harmless,” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, until they take my dinner!”

Arklow music showcase to provide platform for emerging bands and artists